I think this is the most jumbled my thoughts have ever been. It's like I'm trying to put this massive puzzle together in my head but none of the pieces seem to fit. It's not one of those wussy 250 piece puzzles either. It's definitely a 1000 piece, double sided, 3-D puzzle. Yah I know. Those don't exist in real life but just imagine with me.
I started reading "Blue Like Jazz" again. Last fall I read it and really liked it but I thought it was time for another run through to actually write down things that I learn throughout the book. I read the first two chapters this morning. Here are some thoughts:
--God is going to convict us of sin in our life but it is our responsibility to search for and seek Him.
--"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."
--We want to please those that we love. Why is it so hard, then, for us to want to please God at times? I understand that our sinful nature gets in the way of actually pleasing God but why don't we always
want to please Him?
--Our inherent nature is sinful. We must learn/be taught the difference between good and bad. We would continue sinning if we knew that we weren't being watched (checks and balances). Human nature is flawed.
--We tend to blame others (especially the government) for the problems of the world and think that we are doing something great by just having an opinion (and not being apathetic), protesting, etc. But what are we doing that actually has an impact (ie donating money, volunteering, etc)?
--"I am not browbeating myself here; I am only saying that true change, true life-giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual." Stop being so narcissistic!
I love the water. For some reason, when I'm on my dock reading my Bible or whatever book I'm reading at the time and journaling, things just seem to flow better. Not only that but the water has this amazing ability to calm my spirit and clear my head. I can almost immediately forget whatever is going on in my life (not that any of it just disappears or anything) and just focus on chilling with God. Easily, I could spend hours upon hours out there. I think everyone should have their own spot. You know, the spot where everything seems to just be right and make sense again. The spot where you realize that your problems aren't a big deal...and that's okay. The spot where they can be alone and surrounded by the awesomeness of God, His beauty, His majesty. The spot where they can be constantly in awe and wonder of our Creator.
Our choices are important. But at the same time, they aren't. In the grand scheme of things, God is going to work out everything. He has a bigger plan than we could ever imagine and He is constantly using our choices for the greater good. BUT our choices also affect others...a lot. I've slowly been realizing this. Whether it be the choice to smile at someone to the choice of how to respond to certain situations. People are affected by our decisions, whether we want them to be or not. It's so important to be reflecting Christ in every choice that we make, setting a Godly example always.
I am becoming too caffeine dependent. You think I'm kidding? How about 2 cups in the morning and sometimes 2 at night? Yah, that's what I thought. Not nearly as bad as some people I know (*cough*NICK*cough*) but still pretty bad for me.
I want to be real with people. I went to Grandad's visitation (not my grandad but Ben and Sam's; I've always known him as Grandad so I'm just going to refer to him as that) on Wednesday. I thought I was doing pretty good by getting there at about 5:05pm (it started at 5pm). There was already a 45 minute line (and a steady stream of incoming people). It was incredible. I never knew that just one person could know that many people and have such an impact on them. As I am constantly striving to be more like Christ, I want to love like He does. I mean, He called us to love like He does. And as I am continually trying to be real, I hope that it comes off as love. You get what I mean? Put simply, me being real = me loving. And as I am loving (or trying to), I want to invest in people's lives, truly care about them, continually pray for them, just be a good friend in general. I hope that I can have just a small percentage of the impact that Grandad had on people.
"Endure hardships as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?...Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." [Hebrews 12:7,10-11]
God created time. Therefore, it is good. But why, then, does it feel so restricting? Why do I hate the concept of time so much?
Should've been so good
Could've been so right
That was before the day forever died
Wishing on what ifs
Taking my chances
That was before the day forever died
[Matt Wertz]
I'm kind of bummed because I really wanted to make it down to Cornerstone this summer. The pseudo (Marty) and Kurt and everyone went down there on Monday and are camping for the entire week. Gosh, I wish I could've gone. But I must be saving money and attending my classes and working. It'll all pay off later...hopefully. It would've been sweet, though, to see Kurt's band play at Cornerstone. Honey lickin' sweet.
I think a bunch of us are taking a camping trip in early August to Turkey Run. I'm super pumped. I would write more about it but that's all any of us know about it now (other than it's going to be the best part of this summer thus far, other than the wedding). We should probably work out the details soon.
Have any of you thought about how hard it really is to be submissive to higher authorities? (And by higher authorities, I mean parents.) Yah, me too.
For the most part, I think I got most of the thoughts out. Sorry for the longevity of this post. Mad props to those who actually read the whole thing. Now it's time for this girl to get some sleep. I can't wait to work 6 hours tomorrow at BBB (note sarcasm).
Here's a nice little excerpt from "Blue Like Jazz" to end with. I enjoy Don's humor. I hope you do, too: "A couple of years ago, however, I visited a church in the suburbs, and there was this blowhard preacher talking about how television rots your brain. He said that when we are watching television our minds are working no harder than when we are sleeping. I thought that sounded heavenly. I bought one that afternoon."
I realized that God's command "Love your neighbor as yourself" really means nothing if I do not love myself. I mean, unless I truly and deeply accept Christ's love and view myself as valuable, I cannot love others the way that God wants me to. It's definitely something that I need to work on. I tend to base my self-worth on other's opinions as well as how I feel about myself at any given moment. Not only that but I am also harder on myself than most people are and tend to think that I'm responsible for everything. Obviously, that can be a little self-destructive. More often than not, I constantly feel as if everything is my fault (even if it's not). As a result, it's hard for me to accept Christ's love because I view myself as a screw-up or worthless instead of the beautiful woman that God views me as. So a new goal for me is to change this self-depracating behavior and mindset. Slowly, the way I love others will change as well.
